I am going to sit here and enjoy this feeling at the moment. I so rarely get to feel this way, that I am just going to enjoy it. It is glimmers of happiness and peace. I know the war front, the durge, waits. It is always there; but, if glimmers of happiness and peaceful contentment are offered, I think it is our responsibility to embrace the feeling. I am a Taurus, with a strong eighth house south node, moving toward a second house north node, so I suppose the life aim is to get to where I feel this all the time. Subjectively, I am always gritting my teeth usually, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But for this day, I am in the moment, content. It is a nice feeling and I will embrace it, as there is plenty of time for the other.
I am told my life may be a bit like oyster-Pearl. That makes sense to me. We seek perfection, but we are all works in progress.
The ending with the man, I am sincerely surprised I lived through it. I am here though, coming out from the other side, and I learned a few things. The ending doesn't lessen the importance of what we shared; it was real love, it was a strong past life connection, it was passionate and amazing, and he did abandon me at the end of the day, after two years. I have a temper which put a damper on things. It is important to wait for the love. My regret is we did not transition it to friendship, but we might yet.
I have been seeking out those friends in the past I have abandoned myself out of emotional immaturity. I was well received by two. There are two more to be sought out. Forgiveness. I did not want to abandon them - I just did not have the emotional equipment at the time to understand boundaries, and how to deal with negativity - so it was baby and bathwater - which really was not necessary. I will report on the two more remaining when we connect.
I am getting rid of crazy Indians who abandon their families. I am coming back west to a high value system and relationship as something that matter. This is a shift. I plan to study philosophy. This is a turn around in orientation.....no more crazy abandoner. God/Goddess can be found in quiet contentment and personal responsibility and in this timeless moment. I am not a theologian - but I am going to trust this process.....
In my defense - moon is sextile uranus. Moon is over there in the 11th house in Gemini, sextile that uranian Leo in the first half..... I had a bad habit of bonding to unhealthy relationship (Chiron South node in PIsces) and this life - things blow up if there is too much of that..... The upcoming eclipse this Saturday is conjunct that moon in Gemini, so I expect a new beginning emotionally. Saturn is conjunct the IC - another new beginning. This life? Military father, living in 20 places, to have anyone in my life long term is unheard of, and now, here - it is happening. So I am simply observing a moment of silence, and getting comfortable with it.
Someone (psychic/counsellor) told me I was a Blue Ray baby - and I read up on it. Yes - that is me. The empath, but now the need to embody the light. One of my abandoned children-friends is a light worker. My theory is I was the mother who left too young by death more than once (terribly terrified of Childbirth - suspect more than one death in childbirth). You leave children young and they need you so badly....I don't feel so haunted as I did. I believe this is the glimmer of a first step in healing.
A realization during 11:11:11 that I was here to embody Venus. I would never be so bold as to say I am her...hubris that would be....but I could say I am a representative sent here from planet Goddess to help bring her back. Venus in Aries in the 9th house MC sextile that Uranus in Leo in the first house. The Uranian-Venusian. Boy do I resonate with the myth of Venus rising out of the misty sea, a product of Uranus' genitals scatterered onto the water by Saturn. Space, time, form. The myths have something to teach us - which is why I study with the Jungians. It is like this hidden language seeking to come out. Like crop circles - from the same place.
Reading Cicero "On Old Age" in the train this morning. His words soar...his 2000 year old words soar....my parents get a copy for Christmas.
Maybe this is all a glimmer of love....
The break up - lost two teeth over the deal. Pluto in Capricorn went reverse. Worst summer of my life. Abandonment. Betrayal of promises made. Yet we still dream of each other. It was like loosing my own child. Another one of my lost children. Abandonment. Betrayal. He ran off with someone else. Well, I will never again be the other woman....I will not put another woman through this. I passed a test I think, Sunday night. 29:11 vibration.
On December 5th, started again with being a vegetarian and the principles of natural hygiene. After 11:11:11 started again with Yoga. I am not one of these cloud-floaters - I am here now - but I find embodyment to be a more pragmatic approach that the strategy I was taking. Maybe the task is to learn to love here whole-heartedly and to bring heaven to earth. We have our beautiful earth....
Now my menses which left me with the break up for six months is back today....my girl is back....and it makes me so happy. I believe that I have been eating correctly since Monday, and that has made all the difference in the world. I am going to reread "Fit for Life". The trigger for that was reading about Dana Delany in Parade magazine. That is all she does. I did it for 10 years, felt great, never had a weight problem. I am going to get back into it. I have been doing it for the last four days, and I have more energy, and my menses is back. I am sure that it is back partly from what I am eating, and partly from releasing the trauma and forgiving the ex.
I have been working on forgiving the ex, and coming at this all from a place of gratitude. It is rare in this life to run into a soul mate - and he was. It was even more difficult to let it go - but everything I have read says - if Pluto is going to take something you have to let it go. I laugh when I read that pluto rules the knees and the teeth. I wasn't letting go, so two teeth were taken. The absess scared the crap out of me.
He was so very very important.
Before I met him, I may as well have been a virgin, as I ran from that whole man woman thing since I was 25 years old and divorce. I was walking around like some sort of strange female eunuch. He changed me. He really did love me. He left.
Accountability, Responsibility, Capability.
I was reading Cicero on the train this morning, and began to think of my life differently again. I had all this feedback in my review yesterday about needing to be aware of the effect I have on others. It is one of those things - powerful whether you like it or not...so you may as well be highly conscious about it. The boss who is 20 years younger than I am actually did a good job with the review process.
I give myself permission at the moment to ramble. I will develop the articles as they come. A psychic once asked me why I ate meat - she said my body could not digest it. Back to Fit for Life again for four days and I realize the woman was right.
I will allow myself fish on Sunday - but back to being a vegetarian again. So I will report on all this again.
You have to go with what you are....but for the moment - I feel contentment. Is this what it is like to be a Taurus?
I have a strong scorpio signature in my chart. I saw aura's with the ex - Grey, Black there are reasons for things. I will cross the bridge to be a friend when the time comes - but at the moment - I sit with this. I observe the last year.
I have to gracefully let him go - if I do - then there is a chance for a healing and a friendship.
Integrity, Honor, Valor, Courage. These are the hallmarks of a man....if you don't have these attributes - then you are a boy who rings shallow.
I will flesh this out- but for now - your recommended reading list.....
www.elsaelsa.com
www.divineharmony.org
Anything to embody Venus
"Return of the Goddess"
